The last .

I don't dare

I am going to give it up

I have asked too much

I have to stop

and ignoring is the best way .

let time decide

A reply to Wana's loveletter :)

She's a year younger. been knowing her since she was 13. a cute little girl. her sense of humor caught me in the first place. she's so bright that I could not resist to know her. I remember we first met in her dorm. I don't watch Bollywood film much. but I adore a handsome hero name Arjun Rampal. out of nowhere she seems to adore him too. our first conversation was merely about Arjun, if I'm not mistaken. funny though. since then we become closer. there was time when everybody had been fussing of having 'pet sister'. but I didn't. I've never asked her to be my 'pet sister'. I'm not sure if she disappointed of this. but I consider her more like a friend. a best friend. to whom I can lean to whenever I have problem with my other friends. someone who I can trust for keeping secrets. a girl who has been so kind and sincere to me.

and it's been 4 years since we last met. we just not yet being in the same place at the same time. I long for that day. this July perhaps?

To Anis Safwanah Azizan, thank you for your special entry. I miss you. Thank you for lending me your eyes and ears and heart and mind, just to listen to my wail and whimper, then make me smile again.

ain't we cute? ;)

I have so many things that I'm wondering

1. how on earth do the wireless things work ? @_@

2. if other people can play guitar after they have their shower because I can't play with my finger tips soften by the water

3. what other people do when they already lying in bed but can't sleep

4. why Bruno Mars would catch a grenade,throw his hand on a blade and jump in front of a train for that girl? shouldn't he save his life so that he can take a good care of her ??

5. if those girls with wavy hair do their hair or are they natural

6. why so many people here own either iPhone or BB..

7. how on earth people can discipline themselves to study and do the assignment but I can't T_T

8. what's its like to be in other's shoes

9. why am I being so nervous in front of my own classmates, people that I've known for years

10. how some people can learn sooooooooo many languages and even speak sooooooo fluent

11. is it true that married couple usually look alike ?

12. why human hair falls in autumn and winter too ? (apart from leaves)

13. where did I spend my money, they are all gone by now T_T

14. if internet doesn't exist

15. if dogs like me because they always come near me

16. why there is such word like 'colorless' when there's nothing that we can see is colorless

17. how words that describing something which can't be seen are created ? ( I can't even explain this point.huhu)

18. if we can read others' mind

endless list. to be continue~

Over

What more do you want to hear from me?
Is there anything you wish to see?
A joke? A laugh? A smile? A cry?
A scream? A song? A lullaby?

See I know we are not who we were
I live in denial, remember?
So please don't ask me to open my eyes
Don't wanna wake up and realize

The honeymoon's over
That I should better
Be mature

I'm sorry I do not know what to say
Do understand I'm breaking, but hey
When you tell me that you are leaving
Don't think I didn’t see it coming

Of course I saw we are no longer
Having stuff we enjoy together
But can we play along our part
And not parade this change of heart?

Are you really sure?
That we off better
And over?

What more can I say when you wish to leave today
I wont break down now and burst
But..
Would you like to have one last breakfast?

ps. this is a song lyric :)

numbers

korang mesti ada nampak budak2 kat facebook main post numbers kat wall kan? tak teringin pun nak terlibat dengan benda ni mula2. maklumlah malas je.hehe. tapi ada one of my besties masa kat high school dulu pun post2 jugak. and saya tahu dia sangat baik dan honest. so tergerak pulak nak tahu what she thinks about me. dah kawan dari form one mesti ada benda baik punyaa yang dia akan cakap.hehe. so this is what she says about me. jangan muntah lepas baca pujian2 yang sedikit tu.haha!

" numbers: sangat manja and keanak-anakan.. stylo. suke ;) Englishnye super supreme ooh..kalau time birthday kawan-kawan, dia mesti tak lupa nak wish. sebab tu kawan tak lupakan dia.gaya dia lembut2, ayu2. tak pandai nak sorok perasaan sangat. jujur. kalau dia tak suka kita boleh nampak ikut muka and gaya dia. hehhe comel. kalau merajuk, dia tak nak cakap ngan orang tu. sampai lah dia dah cool baru dia cakap. tapi rasa2 nye dia tak penah lagi merajuk ngan saya..kan.kan.kan.yeke.tehee " (nurul jannah,2011)

korang nampak tak ada ayat yang saya italic kan tu?? bila fikir2 balik, macam ni rupanya saya. tak sedar sangat selama ni. yang rupa2 nya satu perangai saya ni, orang lain pun sampai perasan saya ada perangai macam ni. (ayat ada unsur2 redundant) mungkin ada baik dan ada tak baik nya tunjuk perasaan depan2 orang ni. takut orang lain tu kata kita ni emo lebih, sikit2 nak kecik hati, tak boleh nak control emotion depan orang.. agak2 kalau selalu sangat tengok orang buat perangai camni mau rasa menyampah jugak kan? sorry kadang2 saya tak sedar pun saya buat. bukan tak sedar, tapi benda tu tak dapat nak elak. otomatik kata orang puteh. mungkin lepas ni kena try la control sikit2. boleh la jaga hati orang lain sikit kan. tapi kalau tak tunjuk perasaan, orang ingat kita ok je. pastu buat kita sesuka hati. macam mana pulak tu? um, fikir sendiri la malas nak taip panjang2. cop ! bab English tu tak boleh blah. tahap sekolah menengah dulu boleh la cakap camtu.hahaha.

oh saya rindu jannah ! saya panggil dia ayong sebab dia lahir bulan satu. dia kena jadi kakak kepada adik2 lain dalam kelas.hehe. dia seorang yang bersopan santun dan cantik. tak sabar nak tengok dia kawen (tibe2) :p

tapi ada satu perasaan yang saya tak pandai nak tunjuk. ok. bye !

Salin. Tampal .

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?

- Personal lah sangat !

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?

- Yeah, I will.. but I've never been caught..cewahh (belagak)

Are you craving something?

- strawberry cheesecake. haagen dazs T_T

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?

- Thing? Iphone 4 kot .

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?

- none. I'll adopt one. (dear God forgive me. You know what I mean)

What do you hear right now?

- Tiey's loud music .

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?

- Yeah ! Two .

What’s on your mind right now?

- what's the next question would be .

Are you there for your friends?

- When they want me to .

Last person to see you cry?

- I can barely remember when was the last time I cried in front of other people .

What do you do when you get nervous?

- biting my lower lip .

Be honest, do you like people in general?

- If it's in general, yes .

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

- Maybe 28 ...

Does anyone completely understand you?

- No .

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

- Yes. sebab saya dah kenyang :)))

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?

- Yes. But, I don't trust people .

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?

- maybe. who knows ...

Do you tell your mom or dad everything?

- No. If I'm gonna tell them everything, they won't sleep at night, just to worry about me.. I'm a good girl, innit ?

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?

- Not really. My dad once smoked, my bro smokes, there's no biggie if another person smoking

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?

- I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. Just wait and see ..

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

- December 2009 ? Yes. thank God I totally over him .

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

- The present and future .

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

- this winter, at least eight .

Are you easy to get along with?

- Ask my friends .

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?

- No, she's my girl friend .

What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?

- tom yam soup, boleh ?

What size bed do you have?

- Double bed. but smaller than queen size bed .

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?

- Before. warm water .

Do you like the rain?

- I do. but I hate the smell. smell like grass, tar. especially rain in a hot weather. smells weird, to me .

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

- How do I know ??

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?

- Yeah. that thing .

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?

- Car? if cab considered as car, Tiey, Kinah, Syahirah and Raden. oh and the driver :)

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?

- Life as we know it. with my dearest house-mates .

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

- No . I repeat. I don't trust people .

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?

- I can't remember being left alone at home.hee ~

Do you regret a past relationship?

- Only one. but i wouldn't call it a relationship, though. More like stupid thing that I've ever done .

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?

- At a concert .

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?

- No .

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?

- Yes. but I didn't intend to make joke .

Do you care too much about your appearance?

- Yes but not too much. you can tell when I'm not.hehe .

Are you a jealous person?

- I'm not pretty sure but I think I am .

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

- Yes. A neck shawl and a jegging .

Do you miss anyone?

- Honestly yes. to many people to be missed .

Last person who made you cry?

- Dia .

Does your ex piss you off?

- Which ex ?

What are you doing tomorrow?

- Skype-ing with my family in the morning then go to Brum :)

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/ girlfriend every week?

- No. Saya setia.acewahh !!

Is there anyone you want to come see you?

- Ala malo nak jawab .

Have you ever been cheated on?

- takkan tak pernah .

Ever given all your heart to someone who walked away?

- Heart yes. but I'm the one who walked away without being asked.sobs .

Do you like cotton candy?

- Suka2! Tapi kalau beli mesti tak habes .

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?

- Dila . (eh nama budak ni suke masuk blog aku.hehe. )

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?

- Ada pulak soalan macam ni.haipp !

Do you have siblings?

- One big brother and one little sis .

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?

- Apart from my parents, no .

How has the past week been for you?

- Bosan. Sunyi. Menyesal .

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

- Sejak duduk dekat UK ni, tinggal Meor sorang je la kot.

What’s on your mind right now?

- Dah lama tak ym Meor.. tu la sape suruh tanya pasal dia tadi . hahahaha.

What were you doing at midnight last night?

- I slept early .

What is your current mood?

- Biasa2 aje .

Who was the first person you talked to today?

- Ala tak ingat. ohh, Dila. sebab dila masuk bilik pagi tadi masa bangun tido . (See..see..)

Will this week be a good one?

- Oh, please do !

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

- Yes .

Who were you with last night?

- house-mates la .

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

- No .

Next time you will kiss someone?

- Buat2 tanya pulak.haish .

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?

- Who cares who ?

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

- Yes, tomorrow's weekend. Dah jawab dah kat atas tadi kan .

I've got the answer!

Even though the answer is not yet proven, at least now I can stop thinking about it...

All this while, I've been thinking of this one of the God promises:

'good men are destined for good women and bad men are destined for bad women.'

I can't see the fairness in that promise. how about those 'bad' (I don't know the suitable word to describe jahat) guys or girls who wish to become better if they are destined for people with the same attitude? I don't dare to think further, fearing it would undermine the iman. but the previous discussion with some sisters of mine had given me at least a point to stop doubting the promise.

The discussion came to a conclusion, what is mean by good for good and bad for bad is not necessarily applied to a couple in the same time from the beginning. It may be described as the changes in a person when they have been living their lives together. (I'm trying to put the sentence in a clear way T_T )

What I understand is, a good man, who supposes to be destined for a good woman as well, might be married to a bad woman in the first place. when they are married, it's the man responsible to guide the woman into the right path. By means, in the end, both of them will become the good persons.

But if he fails to guide his wife, following the other side of the road, both will end up in the wrong path. which satisfy the later part of the promise.

And same goes to a good woman who marry a not-so-good man. the responsibility to guide the partners apply to both genders.

It is possible, some people start well from the beginning until the end. praise to God.

Don't worry of not being good enough for a person. you can marry a pious even though you are not a pious man or woman, if God willing, because s/he might be the person who will change you!

my grammar sucks...ooh laa laa.. (trying to defuse the situation) jangan la serious sangat, nanti menangis. :')